We have had several call outs of late, so I have had a lot of hands on time with my baby girl. A lot of time to be with her and love on her more than normal. More bathing, more diaper changing, more time. That’s how I found the first swollen lymph node. That night, another. The next day another. The next day another. And that’s when I discovered that the internet is not always your friend because it’ll tell you the worst case scenario. And then my mind filled in all the blanks. I was panicking. I was terrified. I was trying to figure out how we would make it through another prolonged hospital experience. Monday morning came with another call out. But I am grateful – because it meant that Jason took off of work to go downtown with me. Because this was either going to be a reassuring visit or a life altering one. I was glad he was there. Our doctor ordered the CBC. That night I waited and hoped. The next day my Father-in-law posted on Facebook that it was his one year anniversary since being diagnosed with Leukemia and I sat there reading that with terror griping my heart. Today I learned that my baby does not have cancer. Her results are a little off – but they don’t look like cancer. Today my heart is breathing again. You don’t live long in the DS world without running into leukemia. I was afraid it had run into us. Today it’s not us and I am grateful. But my heart is still beating a little tenderly and I’m thinking of the families that today got different news. Today it could have been us. One day it still could be us. Today it’s not.
I wish I could totally shake this fear. Leukemia scares me. It’s not fair that these sweet kids have such a higher chance. The good that has come from all of this is I got to talk to our PCP about cancer and Bella. I have been so afraid that if she did have it, that oncology would take a look at the vent and everything else and just hand us off to hospice. I have been afraid they wouldn’t fight. My doctor reassured me that they would and she would be right by my side fighting for Bell.
So there we are. Today we are cancer free. I hope we always are. It’s been a rough five days. My prayers and tears go out to all the families that are fighting for the lives of their babies. May God bless you.