It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Today did not start off well.  No real sleep trying to keep that mask on her face and her stats up.  And then the worry! Oh goodness!  She just kept sleeping, laying there, hour after hour.  Breathing so hard, pulling and pulling.  But what really, really, scared me was she stopped fighting.  Attending, residents, fellows, nurses, the charge nurse, PCAs, and the RTs were all looking her over, examining, listening and nothing.  This was worse than bad stats to me.  Where was my baby?  Why was she giving up and giving in?  Everyone noticed it.  Everyone was very serious. A rapid response team was called in to transport us to PCU. They put her on bi-pap. They start talking about the limits of PCU and about the PICU.  And she lay there, breathing and pulling and alarming.  they finally give up on the bi-pap with its 11 liters of flow and went back to the high flow nasal cannula.  And then at 5 o'clock, I don't know if it was the extra fluids, the steroids, the breathing treatment, the visitors (Thank you!), the meds, or what, but my Bella looked at me and there in her eyes, she was back.  Welcome back sweetheart!  How I missed you!

Her two attendings and her fellow have stopped by tonight.  They can see the difference as I can.  everyone is so relieved.  Sighs of relief.  We were headed to ICU and intubation.  Could I have done that to her?  I'm not ready to say good-bye yet, but would she ever forgive me for incubating her again?  Would it be fair to her?  End of life decisions are hard to make.

We are not out of the woods yet.  She is still on 8 liters of oxygen, but my baby's eyes are back and that is all that matters to me right now!!

Poor Daddy came to see us today.  He was bringing me more clothes and food.  He and Brother arrived just as the team was assessing Bella and making plans to get her downstairs pronto!  As I hold Bella and they searched for yet more access, a nurse tells me, "Your husband is here and the doctor is talking to him."  Poor Jas!  We got to the PCU and things settled down a bit to find out that they have changed their visitors policy - no siblings under 12.  So Daddy can only stay a little bit.  Just enough to get even more worried about his baby girl.

So grateful for today's miracle!  Fight on, baby girl.  Fight on!